The better part of 2013 has come and gone and, as the New Year approaches, we reach a time of reflection. Whether this year will go down in the books as a personal best or a general flop for you has more or less been determined. Maybe you spent the year globetrotting, or squandering your minimum-wage earnings on cheap beer, or starting a new career, or gaining fifty pounds of cheeseburger weight, but one thing is certain: you probably had sex, even if it was just with yourself. Other people were probably having sex, too! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — sex is as close to a universal experience as possible. It is with this in mind that I present the second annual Keepin’ It Sleazy Sexy Year in Review.
Politics: As with every year, the public and media have done a great job of sensationalizing the fact that not only do politicians like to fuck, they even make questionable sexual decisions from time to time. Politicians: they’re just like us! With that said, I have to say a favourite “scandal” had to be the revival of Weinergate. This year, former U.S. Congressman Anthony Weiner returned to politics after his 2011 resignation following a sexting scandal. Enter Sydney Leathers, a self-described “writer and artist” (read: blogger) who allegedly entered into a texting relationship with Weiner in 2012 — a year I like to refer to as “the one where the dick-pic-sending former congressman probably should have fucking known better.” Sure enough, Leathers came forward and used the incident to launch herself into publicity and a porn deal. At least, she didn’t have to go through the trouble of coming up with a new porn pseudonym — Sydney Leathers does the trick just fine.
Technology: In February, the hookup app ‘Bang with Friends’ was released to mixed reviews. Touting itself as a confidential way to express sexual interest in your Facebook friends, it seemed like a novel concept but failed to draw female users. I refuse to accept that it failed on the basis that people don’t secretly want to have sex with some of their friends and acquaintances, because that would be a lie. Now, the creators have opted to utilize user feedback and re-launch the application as’ Down’, a more comprehensive dating and hookup concept. It’s still in the beta testing phases, but it’s possible someone may have finally invented a dating app that human females want to use.
Books: With the help of the Internet, prolific erotica author Christie Sims was skyrocketed into the spotlight this fall for undertaking the most noble of literary challenges: creating dinosaur erotica. If you’ve ever lain awake at night wishing you had a naughty description of human-triceratops sex to help ease you to sleep, it’s as simple as consulting Amazon, or a registered therapist. It’s up to you, no judgment.
Science: Did you know that about 97 per cent of bird species reproduce without using a penis? In June, Dr. Martin Cohn (University of Florida) and his team of researchers published a report explaining why bird dicks have all but disappeared. A protein called bone morphogenetic protein (BMP) appears to be responsible for the phenomenon and, by using inhibitors on the dickless species, scientists managed to reintroduce external genital growth to avian species that had done without for millions of years. Hooray, science!
Music, Movies and Television: Oh, Miley Cyrus. With her tongue extended, twerk in motion and foam finger suggestively placed between legs, this is the woman who set millions of fingers wagging in mere moments. It’s Miley’s party and she can do what she wants.
Porn: Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming, the somewhat cleverly-titled porn parody of Game of Thrones was released to much fanfare. When porn industry darling James Deen, cast as a version of Jon Snow, was asked if he was a Game of Thrones fan prior to filming he replied, “I know nothing,” proving that Deen is the most unintentionally hilarious person in pornography.
See you in 2014, folks!
By EZ Breezy